Today

There are so many things running around in my head. Tumbling, jumping every which way.

Today, I am attending a funeral. This funeral is not for any family, or super close friend. This funeral is for a student in the 2013 class named Colin Piper. On Sunday, February 3rd, Colins mom went to wake him up, and found him not breathing. During the night, he had a severe asthma attack. He was airlifted to Rochester (best hospital in the area). They did CPR for 15 minutes and put him in a medically induced coma. Once he was breathing better, they started lowering the medicine to wake him up. But he didn't.

On February 9th, Colin was taken off of life support and died at 1:29 pm. Everybody in the school has been effected in some way. I knew Colin in elementary school, and he was fun to joke with. I also have this thing called empathy. When someone around me is sad, I am sad. I can block it off, but its uncomfortable. So today, I will cry. I will cry for those who cannot cry anymore. I will cry for myself. But most importantly, I will cry for Colin and his family.

Today, I am getting my asthma retested. I havent been taking my daily inhaler, and it feels like it has gotten worse. I know I at least need a new daily. That will be fun, as part of the test requires me to run around triggering my asthma.

Today, I am missing my boyfriend. It is Valentines day, and my other is in Florida... 1,600 miles from me. I miss him so much, though I am glad he is having fun out in the sun and warmth. Its too cold here!

Today, I see my mentor and friend. Hopefully he can find a way to make me feel whole for the first time in my life.

Today, I grieve and love. I will do my best to help those around me. But also keep myself well. Today is a day of rebirth.

More poetry

Me and Caitlin have Creative Writing together, and its poetry unit right now.

The taste of insanity is a recipe,
One that has been altered.
The package lists it as the same,
But it is clearly unique.

The sound of insanity is the man laughing,
With someone that isn't really there.
Laughing with the friend that has always been there,
But nobody else can see.

The smell of insanity is the natural perfume,
That has gone past its time.
At one point it was certainly nice,
But now could not be passed as pleasant.

The look of insanity is the genetic birthmark,
That has been there since birth.
It has surely been on her face since birth,
But now makes the model unsuitable.

The feel on insanity is the everyday joy,
That nobody else will know.
They hide from things that are deemed inappropriate,
But you find joy in what only you can feel.

I have felt so different lately. I can look at myself in the mirror without disgust. I can accept compliments genuinely. Finally, I am healing. Except for this whole boyfriend thirty minutes away. But hey, you take what you can get. He loves me and treats me well, and I dont want to part with him ♥♥

My dear friends...

My dear friend, my dear sister. I love you so much more than I think even words can express. You talk about me being your shining star, but you must also look at it from my view. No matter what life issues I am going through, you are here for me. You are here to awkwardly hug me and make me feel loved. As you did tonight. I have been feeling really down, but tried to hide it. Though nothing escapes you for too long. You are amazing, and I am glad that you are here for me.

And its not just her. There are so many people here for me, and I am greatfull for every one of you.

My loving boyfriend... Where would I be without you? Probably in some horrible place, wasting my life away. You help me be stable, you help me shine as bright as I can. And I love you. As much as I can. No matter how different we are, we are still drawn together. We fill the gaps in each others lives. I show you the beauties of emotions, while you show me the wonders of logic. I love you, dearest.

Oh Twin, is there much I can say? If I were to be ten years earlier to this word, I may have been your biological twin. Without you, I would be lost in this spiritual sea. I am so glad that I found you. You have shown me so many things that I would be lost without.

And a new one to add to the list. My brother? Spirit father? Mentor? Teacher? I have no formal title to call you, but I know friend works. You said that I have been a better friend to you in two days than one friend in two years. Wow. I am so happy I met you. I am so happy you have taken me as a student, even though you hate that word a little.

I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH! Each of you in your own way, but its still there. Thank you everyone, thank you for being here for me.

Poetry

As the world spins,
I find myself spinning with it.
As the band sings,
I find myself singing with them.
As the performers dance,
I find myself dancing with them.
As the audience cheers,
I find myself cheering with them.
And as I look around,
I find myself surrounded with imagination.

Bouncy

I am bouncy.
Not a good bouncy. Not hyper and happy, at least not all the time. I bounce between moods.
One minute, I am hyper and as happy as can be.
The next, I am pissy and angry.
And another is fear. Of what? No way to tell.

I wish this would stop. But alas, it will not. So I have to learn to deal with it.

I met a new friend recently. He has been trying to help me with my self esteem and confidence, along with my religion (I may talk about that at some point on here). I hope he can help where others have failed...

My Mind

My mind is a confusing place. Nothing makes sense, but everything makes sense. I can be brought down by the little things, but also brought up by the little things. I can love, I can laugh, I can spread joy. But I can cry, I can hurt, and I can be the source of sadness. I want to be that source of love and laughter, but I know I cant control all of it. And thats normal. That normal, and thats me.

There is nothing wrong with me. The only thing wrong is how I view myself. I need to be happy, a source of inspiration and hope. And I try. Trust me, I try. And for those loved ones reading this... I try for YOU! I try to make you happy. Because when you are happy, so am I. I want cuddles, I need cuddles. I want hugs, I need hugs. I need smiles, love, laughter... And my loved ones, you give it to me. Please dont stop. We can make it through the bad times. I can make it through.

Depression and Fighting

My depression has been kicking up a storm. I can barely go one school day without crying, let alone the night too. Ive been crying a lot the last few nights, and I feel bad for my boyfriend who has been trying to counsel me through it. I go from feeling sorry for myself, to thinking im worthless, to becoming irritable and pissed off at everything. This has partially emerged as me and the boyfriend fighting.

We fight about whatever comes to my mind. Jobs, life, choices, whatever I can rant about. Recently that has lead to fight after fight. I dont know why I feel the urge to fight with him. I dont know why anyone ever wants to fight with a loved one. But I do. And it always gets me more depressed. I wish so much that I could stop it. I wish that I could control urges such as these. But as much as I wish, I cant. I know he understands this. That I dont want to fight with him. But it gets so so hard on him. I know this.

And its not only him. Other than basically one friend that I try my hardest not to fight with, I am snippy and testy. I have irritable responses when people try to talk to me. I snap at people that mean me no harm. And I argue with people that value me. I cant stand it. And I cant seem to stop it. I just want to be better!

Please, can I be better? I want to rise out of this dark place and shine. But its hard when it keeps me sucked in.