Knock knock

Who's there?

Looking at my page views, I am a little surprised as to who it says is looking. In all time, I have had 66 views from the US, 4 from Russia, 3 from Germany, 1 from France, and 1 from Malaysia. I know who is viewing from Malaysia (shoutout to Mr. Lonely, who commented on my blog, even if it didnt show http://www.lonelyreload.com/). But what about the others? Let me know, im curious.

Also, seems most of the page views are from Windows (94%), and most people are using Firefox (58%), with Chrome being second (31%). I applaud you :p

Rant rant rant

So, I have some things I need to rant about. First of all, im in my schools newspaper. We are given stories that may include interviews or other forms of information gathering. We have at least a week and a half to complete these stories. I get my stories done on time, as well as I can with information missing. Then on paste up days, where we format the pages, there are other people without stories in. Why?! Granted, I get points for each hour im here, but so does everyone else. Our scores are an average. How many stories/hours we have divided by the average. A story is an hour. So if I do more stories than the average, I get more points. Thats fine by me. Whats not fine is when people come to paste up on Saturday without stories done. We print on Monday. You were told to get your stories on the page. This issue I wrote more on my stories than they can use. In addition, I get more stories when I come. I took the ACT plus writing today from 8-12:15, then went to paste up. It is 3:30, and I am still here!! The other girls have been here since 8. What is this madness? This issue, I believe the average amount of stories per person this issue is two or three, plus the opinion poll (same point amount as a story). I have three stories, plus opinion polls, the editorial story, plus ads (which also count for hours). So, assuming everybody was at paste up for the same amount of time, I can have a percentage of 166%. On the low end, that would be 125%. I will be leaving paste up earlier than others, so I will have less hours for that, but still!! Get your stories done people!!

That got a bit off topic, but thats because my brain has seemed to stop working. What I want right now is to rest, maybe sleep, in my boyfriends arms. I want to leave soon and do this, but my mother has noticed that im there a lot (because its more relaxing there than at home), and is worried. I am close to him, but thats because I believe he understands me. Now I just sound like a little teenage girl, complaining about parents and how they dont understand me. But actually, its true.

I was in a state of mania, but now I feel drugged. The ACT, then this paste up, has taken away my brain power. Im not tired, but I need to relax. Im not depressed. Its like theres a block on my mania that wont let me fly above an almost 'normal' level. It sucks.

Sleep, food, and mania

I have a friend who I am really worried about. She has been feeling sickly lately, probably for a couple of reasons.

She hasnt been eating well. Now, I try not to be a hipocrit. I barely eat some days. Whether because on downtown and broke, lazy, not hungry, whatever. But if food is put in front of me, i will eat it. My friend has been having issues of being broke and downtown and not having time to make food. She also has been eating little at lunch, probably because shes a bit sick, and doesent like school food. Im one of the few who does.

She also hasnt been sleeping much. She wakes up when she enters deep sleep, and also stays up late because thats the only time her and her boyfriend can talk. And i totally understand. I just wish i could help.

Something thats been up with me, ive slipped into a state of part mania, part depression. Im happy happy giddy some time, and crying at other times. Why?? *shrug* But i kind of enjoy the mania, and sometimes wonder if the depression is worth it to feel this good. But when im depressed, i sure as hell dont believe that.

Well, its bedtime for me. Talk to ya later internets.

Mad and sad?

So my mood swings have been pretty bad the last few weeks. One interesting thing I've noticed is that my bad moods seem to come with other negative moods. One of those combinations is being sad and mad.

One time this seems to keep coming up is anything school related. Not being able to work on essays because I want to scream, not being able to pay attention in class because I don't like the teacher, etc.

But this time, its not school. My boyfriend Nick is a very interesting person. As is his schedule and habits. He currently is unemployed (which he really should fix!), and so has lots of free time. He has a roommate as well. Both are gamers and night owls. And along with all this, his sleeping schedule is whack. He normally sleeps for 8 hours, and is awake for 18. That adds to 26, not 24. So each day, he goes to sleep/wakes up about 2 hours later.

So if I need to ask him a question quickly, I either have to wake him or make judgement without it. Also, sometimes he sleeps during the only times I can talk. That really sucks. But what stinks most of all, is him waking up just to spend time with me. Im selfless, I don't want people to inconvenience themselves for me. He makes the good point that he has tons of time to sleep, but my emotions don't listen.

*sigh* He reads this on occasion, so I really should stop. I got new glasses today. Transitions and prescription sunglasses (car windshields block UV light, with activates transitions). And I also have a surprise coming in the mail. I know what it is, but you don't (unless you=Nick).

Sleep time?? Hopefully...

Geek Cred

So, I am frequently called a geek or nerd. And I embrace it fully. Except when people try and take it away. Before this weekend, I had not seen Lord of the Rings or Star Wars. *gasp!* Why? I always saw Star Wars as a big action movie. I see that I am wrong now, but thats what I saw. Lord of the Rings? When dad tried to get me to watch it, I was too young to appreciate it. And then once I hung out with geeks, I was almost condemned.

I dont show my true anger to people. But this is one thing that just may end with me slapping somebody. A nerd is someone with knowledge. A person can geek out about anything. They can be football geeks, Magic: The Gathering geeks, movie geeks, etc. I NEVER CLAIMED I WAS A STAR WARS OR LORD OF THE RING GEEK!!! Same with Firefly, Serenity, or Doctor Who before I started watching it. You can not take away my geek cred for things I dont claim to be a geek about.

The purpose of movies is to enjoy them, correct? Well, I forced myself to sit and try to pay attention to Star Wars IV-VI. I dont really like them. And if I dare utter those words in public, I will be shot with negative attention. Lord of the Rings is awesome though.

Ive been getting more irritable lately, and its showing. Ive almost slapped friends for trivial reasons (sorry Caitlin!). Ive considered telling people who 'take away' my geek cred to shut up and crawl back in their hole. And the reaction I would get? "Geesh, sorry Kiyah." And the next day, I would be ridiculed again.

So I am going to sit through movies that may not enjoy, because my friend group demands it of me. I will watch the rest of Star Wars, and LOTR, whether I want it or not. Just to say ive done it. Go me.

Experiences

So, I am undiagnosed, but it is heavily believed that I have Bipolar disorder (along with maybe some ADHD). This has impacted my life greatly recently, because I have been feeling it more and more.

A week ago, Tuesday, I was almost completely non-functional. I couldent concentrate or do anything without crying. I stayed home from school. When my mom got home, she took away the Kindle I was reading on and my cell phone. Her logic makes sense, if I stay home, no luxuries. But at that moment, it may have been the worst thing to do. My boyfriend had just been trying to convince me that I was wrong, I dont deserve to be isolated. And that isolation was the worst non-violent punishment our system has come up with.

I slept, and mom woke me up to say we were going to one of my fav restaurants, Mizuki Fusion. My eyes were puffy and swollen, I felt like I couldent open them all the way. I went out in public like this, but sullenly. The overwhelming sadness had gotten a little better, but not by a whole lot. I slept some more, then a day later got my period. Of course, the whole episode was blamed on that.

I do have a psychologist. I do talk to him about these sorts of things. But its just been so bad these past few weeks. Any amount of stress makes me want to cry, and I want to hit anyone that comes near. I try to refrain, and not let it show, but I do end up being a bit snippy. And I say "Sorry!!" to anyone I may have snipped at and hurt.

I have Pathfinder (role playing game, like Dungeons and Dragons) tomorrow. With my best friend, boyfriend, and others. Actually, we are a group of three couples. Weird how that worked out. I should go to bed now. I havent been getting the most sleep lately... But I dont want to leave my computer, where my source that strips the sadness is.

It may be argued that I dont know love, but I can believe that I have come close. He is near and dear to me, and we fit each other well. He strips away the sadness and loneliness, and just makes me smile and happy.

Well, good night.

Amazing weekend, sucky Monday

This past weekend I spent most of my time with my boyfriend. Saturday, we drove up to the cities to drop his roommate off at a bus station to go to Canada. We wandered around the cities some, then drove to Burnsville. We went into the Burnsville Center and visited Cinnibun and some pretzel place. I didn't feel like shopping, so we then went home. When we got home, we hung out until my curfew. I had periods where I would become distant and sad, but he would always try to pull me back to happiness. Most of the time it worked. Or I just hid the sadness. He made me a pizza, and I feel really really bad that I only had about half a slice. I couldn't stand to eat anything more. All I had that day was a piece of banana bread, a Cinnibun, and that half slice of pizza.

The next day, Sunday, I spent at home on the computer. I played PokeMMO (awesome game) with my boyfriend, and just relaxed. I finished up a rough draft for a paper, luckily. I felt so angry for no reason whatsoever that I just wanted to delete the whole thing. When my bf heard that, he asked for a copy so he could back it up. I ended up keeping it, but rewriting it. Then played more PokeMMO.

And now it is Monday. In first hour (Calc 1), I was unable to sit still. I had to be moving, and I couldn't concentrate on the lesson. Also, our teacher must have been wired on caffeine today. But my attention span is non-existent. I'm supposed to be reading articles for English, but I can barely focus on writing this. My mind wanders, and I have to keep moving in some way. If that means typing, then I will type. Aaannndddd now I want to cry. Great. I just wish all of this would go away. For good.

Coffee :(

So, its english class again. And this time, I have an embarrasing story to tell. I got to english class a tiny bit after the bell rang, and a classmate shut the door in my face. When he opened the door, I gave him a playful shove. Well, he moved farther than I thought. He hit the teachers desk, spilling her coffee. So we both ran to get paper towels. So. Embarrasing.

But whats scary to me is that I felt anger. I try not to get angry at people, but I felt a sliver of anger for Tucker, then for the teacher. I quickly supressed it, and almost burst into tears. But, life goes on, and I gave my presentation.

Backtracking some more, this morning I woke with a panic attack. Last night, I logged off of Skype at my computer and logged on on my phone. When I looked, my boyfriend Nick was offline. Which is odd, because 1, I knew he was on the computer and 2, his Skype only logs off when his computer is off. So I went to bed thinking something may have gone wrong. Then, at 5AM, I woke up in a panic. I started texting and IMing Nick. He didnt respond. I knew he was still up. At about 5:30, he finally logged back on. Turns out his phone had locked up and stopped recieving messages. So he was safe. I was relieved untill this class.



For those of you reading (I know it isnt many. Like... just Caitlin), what adventures should I send my Pathfinder character, Aysuna on? Ive already posted the first chapter. The first adventure is going to be called 'Dragon Bait'. But I need three more.


~Koopa Kiyah~